Self-Censored

Self-Censored

In my humble opinion self-censored can be defined as self-limiting behavior; not allowing one to be his/her natural self due to unrealistic beliefs of following life's rules therefore believing that suppressing elements of oneself could potentially tarnish one's image. 

The word censor is psycho-analytically defined as an aspect of the superego that is said to prevent certain ideas and memories from emerging into consciousness. It is primarily defined as material that is analyzed and any parts that are obscene or unacceptable are removed (New Oxford American Dictionary).

On a more personal level, I have always been a rule follower. I can reflect back to grade school when I was in class I would be all about my school work and very much abided by the rules. My only issue in classes would be my eagerness to talk to friends in class which would get me in trouble.  I always hated getting reprimanded or called out for bad behavior. I would take it to heart and dwell on how I could have been better. The funny thing is that at 26 years old I still find myself very much aware of following a mold or being viewed as a good person who follows the rules. It's to the point where at my job my work family can tell you that I am all about following the rules (a majority of the time). It wasn't until this past year in my life and at work that I began to notice that rules were meant to be challenged and sometimes changed. 

I chose this topic after watching several interviews of creative artists and celebrities. One common factor that I found in their interviews was that their passion outweighed the critics and what other people thought about them. Which led me to thinking about myself.  The reason why I titled this post self-censored is because I realized that I have  participated in my own self-censorship to please everyone but myself. Don't get me wrong I do things that I enjoy but at the same time I don't want anything to damage how I am perceived by others and myself alike . Thus leading to my unrealistic expectation of being liked by everyone I meet. I am learning that I can't please everyone, so it is time for me to focus on me and what is best for the life I would like to live.  

For the majority of my life, I feel like it has been important for me to listen to many of the adults in my family on their ideas for being successful and happy. What I have found is that many of the expectations they set for myself and the younger generations in my family are unrealistic. It's like they create rules or ideas that they themselves have never followed. This very idea got me to thinking more about myself and how I can and should put my fears and anxieties out there and find my passion and pursue what makes me happy. 

I have censored myself a lot. For instance I am fearful of rejection from people to the point that I am only my true self with close friends and family. Don't get me wrong this is the reality for many people but my point in saying this is that I close many doors because I allow my fear of being rejected to outshine my confidence. It is hard to articulate this feeling of being aware of my flaw and knowing that a perfect world doesn't exist, but still trying to fit a mold. 

I know that I can't and won't please anyone all the time. It's impossible and in the end I am the one left disappointed. So my goal if even just for this week is to take 30 mins out of my day to reflect on what I want from this world. Too many times people mistake  the journey for self-growth as self-ish but what I must continue to remember is sometimes it's okay to be selfish if it's going to have a positive reaction to your life. 

This is just a peek of my innermost thoughts and feelings and for once I am not afraid to be real about myself. Everyone lacks confidence in something and the only way to overcome that is to be real and vulnerable about it. 

Thank you to everyone who continues to support me and read my posts. It's been a while since my last post but hopefully I won't stay away for too long. 

:-*

-Jessi Jo. 

My View on the World Today.

I am sad. 

Today I am sad because I have forced myself to face a very sad truth. Life isn't fair. It isn't fair for ANYONE! There are people sacrificing their lives both voluntarily and involuntarily every single day, hoping to leave a footprint in this world. It is sad and unreal that we all fixate on things that shouldn't matter. We follow trends both good and bad. This week I have followed two very different trends on social media. By followed I mean I have witnessed, observed, and participated in two very different things and I am sure many of you have too. 

The one trend I have seen is the ALS Icebucket challenge to raise awareness and funds for individuals battling Lou Gehrig's Disease/ ALS. The other trend I have seen is the events that have been taking place in Ferguson, Missouri. 

I am sad for both trends. Why? 

For one thing when did everyone become so judgemental? If someone wants to throw ice water on themselves, why is it a bad thing? Why can't we all come together and share the moment of raising awareness to something very real to many families all over the country? Maybe some people are in a financial rut but would like to provide support the best way they can. Why must everything people do be criticized. When I look on social media outlets and I see how many people have participated in this it reminds me that there are GOOD traits in everyone. We are NOT perfect but we are people and we should stand up for one another. Raising awareness about disabilities and life altering diseases is important. It is our job to become aware because there are people living with disabilities just trying to follow their dreams. We are all people with unique qualities and life patterns that are not always in our control. 

As for the events happening in Ferguson, Missouri I am sad. I can't explain it but I am just plain sad. Why is it that a young man was killed unarmed? Why are we repeating history over and over again? Why is it that people as a whole are not speaking out in outrage? This was a teenager who was killed! He was a person! Before we take away who this young man was by depreciating his value to just being on all news circuit headlines as "an unarmed black man" can we please remember this was a young person who had dreams just like the rest of us? I am hurt because my brothers and sisters are in a state of confusion, anger, frustration, loss and there has not been a solution. There are so many things wrong with this Mike Brown case and it doesn't stop here. I feel hurt because a mother has to bury her child instead of providing him with words of wisdom on how to navigate this life. There are so many questions and so many opinions and yet we still are waiting for a solution.  I am sad because I don't understand when and why the world became so hateful of people. Don't get me wrong I am well aware of many of the events in history that have happened and I know their are many references to wars in biblical contexts but what my point is, why is it okay that unarmed, people are threatened and killed by other people? When did we start teaching people that hatred to any type of person is okay? 

Who is in charge of this chaos?   

I do not have the answers to a lot of these questions listed in today's entry and I know many people don't. I am not one of the people who is silently protesting in the streets in Ferguson but I am a young woman who is outraged by it all. I know it is unrealistic to think that we should all band together and spread love to promote change, but what is happening in the world today is scary. People are experiencing horrible things every single day and I don't know what I can do to make it less horrible. 

I am sorry that some people will encounter a life full of obstacles because of the way they look, sound, or carry themselves. Everyday something wrong is happening in the world. My agenda is to advocate for those who can't adovocate for themselves; that may be someone who is living with a disability or a person who is living without a fair opportunity. Either way I vow to empower people no matter race, religion, creed, sex, age, socioeconomic, and or educational background, because no matter  what people believe;investing in one person can promote change. Maltreatment of any person for any reason cannot be our only option anymore. 

When life doesn't go as you planned

" Difficulties in your life do not come to destroy you, but to help you realize your hidden potential and power; let difficulties know that you too are difficult. "

- Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam

There comes a time in life where everything seems like it is going wrong. It feels like life is against you. It is at this time where you will stumble upon a moment of clarity. Only when your heart and mind are ready will you feel a sense of serenity. Everything will look messy and chaotic from the outside, but this is just a cover. Five months ago my chaos began and I could not understand it. Today I feel excited about the future and the new journey that awaits. The lesson I've learned is that time is not promised to anyone. Saving great times and adventures to a later date is prolonging a chapter that needs to end. 

It's okay to be scared. That's normal that's the feeling of stepping outside of your comfort zone. At least that's what I believe. Life is happening around us. We have a choice to let our yesterday affect or tomorrow but if we leave yesterday in the past we make so much room for the future. 

The one thing about life that is interesting is that as much as we all try to plan everything it is apparent to me that we have no control whatsoever. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying to live the day and don't plan anything, but think about it. How many times have you had an idea or plan for something and it didn't go how you pictured it in your head?

To be honest I can recall very few if any time that an event went exactly as I had envisioned. The thing about life is that it is fluid and ever changing and if we try to live a perfect life we will miss out on the beauty of everything. Life is like the ocean; never ending beauty. If you try to box in the ocean it's just a pool. Limited. Life is beautiful and if you sit and actually think about the things that are important for yourself it isn't that complicated. 

Be nice to people. Smile often. Hug one another. Do something stupid. Live outside the box. You never know when you are going to take your last breath so go on adventures and live for the little moments. 

Everyday I google quotes to inspire myself. Yet everyday I still have no idea what I want out of my life. I haven't invested in my own dreams and that's a scary place to be. I have no idea what type of legacy I want to leave behind but that is okay.  This year I have lived through a lot if different events reminding me about life's values. I don't want to spend my life complaining and wishing I could be somewhere else doing something different. It is so easy to get distracted. I think the key to getting back on track when your life is derailed is simple. Take it one day at a time. It is so easy to be stressed and confused and misguided. However it is important to remember to live for yourself while spreading love to others. 

Right now my plan is not having a set plan and really thinking about short term goals. It may take me a while to figure them out but all I can do is live in the present and be grateful for each day. Something I tend to take for granted. 

It's been quite some time since my last post. However this journey continues to be therapeutic. This blog started off about my limitations but I plan to focus on what's happening in the present and my goals and dreams for the near future. 

Until next time,

Jessi Jo 

Live In The Moment

"Live for each moment, Today well lived makes every yesterday a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope." -Kalidasa 

Last week, after a fairly harmless work day and a wonderful dinner at my mentor's house I spoke to one of my close friends. The one thing she said to me that has replayed in my mind  ever since our convo was a very simple phrase that I'm sure you have all heard. "Live in the moment. " my first reaction to that statement was but....and whatever excuse I had in my mind and then it hit me. She was right. I have been living in "what if" and "when I" land and not in the moment. 

In the past 4 weeks a lot has changed for me. I went from stressing about the function of my hand to going back to work and embracing the importance of health and taking care of myself. At 26 years old my life has faced many challenges and I am sure that there is in fact a lesson to be learned. I can say with great confidence that I have NOT been living in the moment...but enough about me. How is it that many of us focus so much on the future that we forget about the right now?

So, after really thinking about how I can live in the moment a few things popped in my head. 

1. Bills are always going to be there:

I can plan to pay off my student loans in 6 years but once that's done I'll need a loan for a car or maybe even a house. 

2. You never know the battles people are living with:

If I think about all of the events I've lived through in the past 6 months with the support of people all over. I could not imagine saying something mean and/ or degrading to someone else. 

3. Travel if you can, while you can 

Life is ever changing and anything can happen. 

4. Try to laugh when you feel like crying

 Life can be stressful be sure you have someone in your life who can make your bad days tolerable 

5. Turn off your phone and take in people. Look into someone's eyes when they speak to you. Create memories that you can replay in your head instead of on your tablet or phone.  

Life is so short. There are so many things that go on in our lives that we can barely remember how we got through. Before you know it time will fly by. Life is full of beautiful lessons. It's time to put down the things that eat up or time and love and nurture one another. Live in the moment. Breathe in fresh air. Enjoy a nice meal with a friend. Whatever you do just DON'T LIVE IN REGRET! Live the life you've dreamed of and most importantly stay positive. When life throws a curveball at you don't dwell on what you should have done in the past. Redirect yourself, you'll get through this temporary road block. Just keep pushing. 

Thanks for the continued encouragement family and friends :-)

Don't give up on YOU

Preface:

"You will face many defeats in your life, but never let yourself be defeated."

This quote is perfect for many reasons. So many of us face life with many challenges and feel defeated and that's okay, just as long you understand that one loss should not leave you defeated.

Thank you Dr. Maya Angelou  for inspiring  many generations of people and reminding us that we are all valuable. 

Everyday we are all faced with challenges. How is today going to be? What am I going to wear? How will work be today? What will I eat? Will I make it today? How can I be a better me? These are just a few questions that cross my mind. 

Every single day I face the challenge of living in fear vs. living in hope. The world we live in today is not the same as it was 50 years ago. Heck it's not the same way it was 5 years ago. Or maybe it is. Maybe the world isn't changing maybe it's our attitudes. Our perspectives. Maybe it's our reactions that have made the world the way it is. 

I see a lot of pain, I see a lot of regret, I see a lot of fear, and I see a lot of hurt. I see all these things in the area that I work in (geriatrics) but I also see these things in my own life. It is a scary thought to be in a place where you don't know your purpose or better yet you don't understand it. In a world where we are slowly approaching seclusion I am learning that all that we as human beings yearn for is love and acceptance. The only thing that makes us all different is our approach. 

This year I have learned a lot about myself and my perception of the world. It is so easy to judge someone else's actions while praising your own. It is so simple to identify with societal norms and be apart of a pact. It is even easier to compare yourselves with other people. But why? 

Why is it so easy to judge someone but difficult to compliment them? Why is it so simple to talk but hard to listen? Why is it so easy to come up with excuses but difficult to fight against the grain and stand for something? Have we forgotten how to be compassionate? Or are we compassionate when it affects or personal life or when someone dies? 

Have you ever  been told that you're not good enough or you're not smart enough for that? Maybe you've been told you're not tall enough or skinny enough. You might have been told you won't make it or you'll never become CEO. Maybe you've been told you're too stupid or you're too mean. Maybe you're too masculine or too feminine. Have you been told you'll never pass that class? Or you'll never get that job? 

When did we become so bitter? When did we forget to share love and encouragement? Have we forgotten the power of hope?

One person may have told you some hurtful things in your life and you believed them. Maybe at the point in your life they were right, but what if they weren't right about you? People are ever changing and if you're not changing you know how the saying goes..."you're not growing. " Never give up on you! You can lose hope you can lose your dignity but don't ever give up on yourself. Nothing lasts forever.  Whoever told you that you weren't good enough or that you couldn't make it lied. They LIED! 

If you wake up each morning you are making it. If you are able to see the world you are making it. Don't let your current circumstance be your death sentence. Everytime we fall down there is a chance to get back up. You may not always be able to do it alone,but maybe that's a good thing. 

I am going to talk about myself for a moment. For those of you who do not know me I either appear to be a totally friendly person or I am unapproachable. I have been told by many family members that my facial expressions can make me appear disinterested. It's something I am working on. Anyway to get back on topic. I am a very self-conscetious person. Every time I say something or I start a new task I perseverate over it. Many times I envision something negative. Some call it being pessimistic I call it being a realist. Anyway, either way every time I'm negative I am killing an opportunity to help make this world a better place. If every person worked towards being nice and approachable and loving maybe we could help those who have little love and a lot of hate. 

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I couldn't have made it through this journey without family, friends, and this blog. This blog is here for a reason. My life changed 10 weeks ago. My perspective about the world changed since then too. I fell down physically finally catching up with my emotional journey. My foundation was shaken and my soul was awakened. There is so much in life to be angry about but nothing should take your hope and love away.  I was angry about a lot of things in my life. I was living in fear. I was trying to please everybody. I was anxious and afraid. More than any of that, I was loved; I was encouraged; I was uplifted, and most importantly I was given a second chance. 

I am learning that life is an unpredictable journey. When you realize that you are an important piece of life's scattered puzzle maybe then you'll understand the importance of YOU. Even when it seems like life is throwing you under the bus don't give up. The fight you are fighting is not yours alone. It's normal to want to throw in the towel and escape to a fantasy world but then you'll miss the bigger picture. When everything seems like it is falling apart and you're feeling unworthy;remind yourself that your life has purpose. It is up to YOU to give into the  journey called life and find that purpose. 

If you liked what you've read share it. Share it amongst friends or family. Maybe even put your own spin on this weeks post. If I have been lucky enough to inspire you please do your part and inspire someone else. You never know when you may encounter someone on the verge of giving up. 

Thank you for the continued love and support and for allowing me to share my personal thoughts. When I began this journey I just thought I was an occupational therapist going on a journey to recovery. I never thought that I would learn about my life's journey; this is just the beginning. 

Excuses Excuses

"Life teaches us to make good use of time, While time teaches us the value of life. " -unknown

Man I started this blog to be an outlet and a way to share this journey I am currently living through. To be perfectly honest each day presents a new challenge. Everyday I have to force myself to push through and smile. If it weren't for me believing that their is something bigger to come out of this, I would have quit. 

I originally planned to write every week. However I think it's more genuine and authentic when I just allow my mind to flow and just think through my topics. 

This week all I seem to think about is excuses. Excuses tend to take over in my life when I start to feel overwhelmed. When I have a lot on my plate I start to slowly shut down and suddenly I become a hot mess full of excuses as to why I did or did not do something. Excuses seem to creep into my life every so often when I feel like I have to prove something to myself or to other people. 

I am 26 years old, I just started working in my career a little over a year ago, and I still manage to make excuses. I get overwhelmed and as I just mentioned I get frazzled and slowly I begin to shut down. I allow my lack of confidence, dictate my actions. I seem to give into my flaws and weaknesses and make excuses. Excuses as to why I couldn't do something in my job. Excuses as to why my paperwork wasn't complete or why I didn't go above and beyond for someone. I just want to be good enough. I have always been a rule follower and I just wanted to stay on course with my skewed beliefs; which leads me back to thinking about why I have chosen this route that I am on. 

In just 2 months I have been through an interesting journey. I feel like I've lived a handful of life changing events that pretty much forced me out of believing I have control of my life. I would like to believe that I am the master of always having a plan when in actuality there is so much going on around me reminding me that my plans may sound good but I need slow down! 

I need to slow down and instead of making excuses as to why I did or did not do something I need to be more assertive and confident and deliberate with the decisions I make. I need to allow myself to make mistakes and grow and work on having a postive mindset. There is not one person on this earth that is perfect and at the end of the day for me I think it is time to just live life and care for people. Treat others the way I would like to be treated and step off the judgement path. 

If I have learned anything from this journey it is that life goes on, excuses or no excuses. People are not going to remember how I feel about this journey but they will remember my reaction. I refuse to let other people and my insecurities dictate my journey.  I will not allow negativity to cloud my purpose. I will, however live life on purpose. I will work on changing this negative into a positive however I am going to need to be held accountable. 

If you are reading this blog thank you for taking a few minutes to read my thoughts. This blog isn't just about me. I know there are people out there who think that they are alone in feeling overwhelmed or even unsure about the choices you are making but I challenge you to leave with this thought in mind; Our days on this earth are limited. How we use our time is on us. We did not know that we were going to be born just as we do not know how and when we will leave this earth. Do not allow family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, or bullies to make decisions for you. An excuse will only set you back from your purpose and at the end of the day how you live your life is solely your decision. 

We all make mistakes. It's not the mistakes that make or break us but it is what we do after that will set precedence on how we act in our own lives. So next time you have an excuse for something remind yourself that excuses make you defensive and allow you to justify behaviors that are detrimental to your growth. Don't make excuses, just live life on purpose! Next time you feel like passing judgement on a person remember that life is full of the imperfect and the unconfident. Excuses allow us to be less accountable. Give people chances and most importantly give yourself a chance. You never know how events in your life can inspire not only yourself but others too. 

Thank you for the continued support. Feel free to leave comments and any recommendations. 

Important facts about benefits in Florida...what I learned and you should know

"Life is like a camera. Focus on what's important, capture the good times, develops from the negatives and if things don't work out, just take another shot. "

-unknown 

Anyone who lives in the state of Florida this information is pertinent to you. I am going through the journey of understanding the importance of taking advantage of the benefits that a full-time job offers you. When I got my first job as an occupational therapist I had no idea about benefits. I did not understand the importance of applying for short-term and long-term disability. I did not understand the benefits of choosing insurance with a higher premium. For an educated person I felt so uneducated and confused. Since I don't want to see another person go through the stress and emotional distress I encountered below are some tips for any person who is new to working a full time job with benefits. 

 

Understand laws in place for long-term and short-term disability:

To qualify for short-term benefits, a claimant must have a specified amount of past employment or earnings and be disabled. ( www.ssa.gov)

Basically depending on where you work you will qualify for company paid short term disability after you have worked a certain amount of time. It can range from as little as 30 days to up to a year. This makes sense because getting short-term disability benefits is an expense that your employer will have to take on. 

What happens if you fall outside of the guidelines?...Hold that thought. I will get back to that. 

 Apply for all the benefits when you start a new job. 

This is just my opinion and recommendation. If you are young, single, and you are taking care of yourself  then this is really for you. Prioritize what is important to you. Although you may have youth by your side. Accidents can and do happen. 

Before you sign up for your benefits you can call your insurance company and find out what your co-pay and deductible will be. Before this incident I didnt really understand how insurance worked in an emergency situation. Since I had surgery I met my deductible/ out of pocket costs. Now instead of paying a co-pay for each therapy visit I am covered with no more out of pocket costs. Don't get me wrong I have a hospital bill but having insurance cut a large amount of debt I would have to pay without it. 

If you fall into a situation where you did not purchase short or long-term disability ahead of time, in the state of Florida you may encounter eligibility issues for company paid disability benefits. This is exactly what happened to me. Had I chosen to pay into my short-term disability I would have been covered for up to 10 weeks. However I was not prepared for this injury and am now experiencing financial set backs. If I could  go back in time I would add  short-term disability with the regular benefits. 

Aside from those facts I learned about local and national organizations that help families. 

www.salvationarmyusa.org

USA.gov

Needhelppayingbills.com

These are just a few websites that can lead you to assistance if you fall into hard times. However if you are able to save money for a rainy day that may be your best bet. I was told by a friend that the standard she heard was to save enough money to hold you over 6 months. For most people this may not be realistic but saving anything can determine the severity of your situation. 

As for me I just have to return to my job due to lack of knowledge regarding my benefit package. If I should ever experience any other injury I now have a better basis of understanding. I have learned a lot through my journey. I now know about my benefits  and its importance. Now it's your turn to learn about yours. 

Take away message:

Inform yourself! Make wise choices! Most importantly get insurance! You don't want to go through a situation where your livelyhood is at stake and your savings is non-existent. Plan ahead. You'll thank yourself later. 

Check out your insurance  company website. Get informed Below are just a handful of commonly known ones:

Blue Cross Blue Shield (Florida Blue)

https://www.bcbsfl.com

Aetna

www.aetna.com

United Healthcare 

www.uhc.com

Humana

https://www.humana.com/

Cigna

www.cigna.com 

ObamaCare

https://www.healthcare.gov

I did not take advantage of all the benefits I could have had but luckily through my journey of recovery I have learned a lot. Although  this has been life changing I have been granted a second chance in life. 

Any suggestions for posts? Any questions? Please comment or message me.