What I Learned about Insecurities

Every so often I get this feeling that I need to get to my blog. It was here on this blog a year ago that I was able to write out my natural feelings when life seemed to go in a different direction then I had planned. 

For a moment there I forgot my original purpose of this blog. On a personal level it allowed me an outlet to get out what I was going through. After a while I felt like I didn't want to talk about the same things over and over. Having a blog takes a lot of discipline and determination. Which faded after a while. I know that my biggest issue is my inconsistency. However today there was one word that kept creeping into my mind that gave me a push to write. 

                     

                     INSECURITY

Now I know I am not the first one to deal with insecurities and I won't be the last one but for some reason this word stuck out to me today. 

Everyday I deal with an insecurity. I mean every single day I decide if my insecurity is going to define my day.  There are some days where I feel overwhelmed and anxious over life's challenges. Then there are days where I feel like I am unstoppable. In my current state, I feel some insecurity creeping back in. What made today different from other days was for some reason I had to ask myself: 'Why am I so insecure?' In my confusion I even prayed about it. I began to think a lot about my insecurities. Questions started popping in my head for example:

'Why is it when something doesn't go right or as planned all the confidence that was living inside me gets replaced with my insecurities?'

I am learning how to actually deal with these issues as opposed to just pushing them to the back of my mind and it is tough. The thing about being insecure is that if you allow your mind to focus on all the things going wrong it will take away from the things that are actually going great in your life. 

 A lot of times when I'm feeling insecure it's easy for me to be a hater and say negative things but then what? The things that went wrong still went wrong. So I've decided instead of focusing on the wrong that's going on it may be time to switch gears. If there is anything that you take away from this blog today I want you to take this fact from me today. 

A year ago when you were going through a bad break up, an injury, a lost job, verge of homelessness, losing a loved one, finding out someone had cancer...what ever your struggle was...How did you feel?...When your life felt like it was entirely to stressful, what did you do? 

I will strictly speak for myself and my personal experience. Last year, when I thought I was going to lose my chance at working in my career that I worked hard for, I started to feel insecure . I thought that I would not be vulnerable to meet someone special. I thought I would be struggling forever. I thought that I was alone. I was insecure. I was unsure of myself and what was in store for my life. 

When I reflect on my year this is what I can recall. I fell and hurt my wrist, I managed to endure 2 surgeries , a travel job in California, a relationship that went from good to bad, and fluctuating  self-confidence, and finally, a taste in reality of all of life's responsibilities. 

 A year later I am feeling like I am no longer insecure about my career opportunities as I have a few things lined up. I have started to dream about my goals again. I now have hope where I didn't have it before. However I fight my insecurities every day. Instead of focusing on my weaknesses I try to focus on how I can craft that negative into a positive. It's a hard battle but an important one. 

Take away message: 

It's so easy to dwell on insecurities but you have two options:

1.  Complain about it 

2. Do something about it

Allow yourself to do both, just don't stay too long complaining. 

Everyday we have a choice to make. We can decide to be optimistic or pessimistic. The choice is yours. Insecurities take away the beauty of being uniquely you. Just like every mother says, " There will always be someone smarter than you, prettier than you, richer than you, poorer than you, weaker than you... The list goes on, but there will never ever be another YOU." So please stop comparing yourself to others.  You can't ever be them and they can't ever be you. 

Thank goodness for that! 

"The reason why we struggle with insecurity is we compare our behind the the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." - Steven Furtick 

Until next time folks!

My 6 Weeks Away From Home

All of my life I wanted to get away from my home town and exolore this world we live in. All I wanted to do is change my scenery because Brevard County wasn't cutting it for me. I was so sure that my life would be better elsewhere. In November 2014, I came out to California and got to see life at its greatest point. Life was simple. The scenery was beautiful and serene. It got me thinking, it is nice to acquire nice things but the best things in life can't be bought. 

On my second week here I discovered something key. If unhappy with how life is going, change your stressor. Let that marinate for a second. If life is stressful; reevaluate  what part of life is holding the stress. Is it your job? Your house? Your car payments? Your significant other? Or is it you? 

Are you treating yourself kindly? How are you treating others? Are you unhappy? When you allow yourself a break from all of the distractions (facebook, Instagram, reality television, and gossiping) what do you find yourself enjoying? So many people are taking life for granted. Prior to this trip I was too. However just six weeks later and I feel hopeful again. I have small goals. I have ideas on how to get involved with things I like in my community. Sometimes we want to leave where we are to find something bigger and better when in actuality we just

have to revamp what we already have. The place that I grew up isn't a horrible place we just need resources for young people. We need to bring back the sense of community amongst each other. People deserve chances. Whether it be their first, second, or their twentieth. 

After this journey I feel hopeful. I wasn't placed on this earth to be wealthy with things. I don't want that kind of wealth anyway. I want to be rich in community and love. However I need help to stay accountable. If anyone is reading this and you want to be apart of something bigger than yourself  please join me on my journey of positivity and loving the place we live. Life is too short and unpredictable. I have a purpose on this earth and this year my goal is to find out just what that is. 

Until next time! 

Self-Censored

Self-Censored

In my humble opinion self-censored can be defined as self-limiting behavior; not allowing one to be his/her natural self due to unrealistic beliefs of following life's rules therefore believing that suppressing elements of oneself could potentially tarnish one's image. 

The word censor is psycho-analytically defined as an aspect of the superego that is said to prevent certain ideas and memories from emerging into consciousness. It is primarily defined as material that is analyzed and any parts that are obscene or unacceptable are removed (New Oxford American Dictionary).

On a more personal level, I have always been a rule follower. I can reflect back to grade school when I was in class I would be all about my school work and very much abided by the rules. My only issue in classes would be my eagerness to talk to friends in class which would get me in trouble.  I always hated getting reprimanded or called out for bad behavior. I would take it to heart and dwell on how I could have been better. The funny thing is that at 26 years old I still find myself very much aware of following a mold or being viewed as a good person who follows the rules. It's to the point where at my job my work family can tell you that I am all about following the rules (a majority of the time). It wasn't until this past year in my life and at work that I began to notice that rules were meant to be challenged and sometimes changed. 

I chose this topic after watching several interviews of creative artists and celebrities. One common factor that I found in their interviews was that their passion outweighed the critics and what other people thought about them. Which led me to thinking about myself.  The reason why I titled this post self-censored is because I realized that I have  participated in my own self-censorship to please everyone but myself. Don't get me wrong I do things that I enjoy but at the same time I don't want anything to damage how I am perceived by others and myself alike . Thus leading to my unrealistic expectation of being liked by everyone I meet. I am learning that I can't please everyone, so it is time for me to focus on me and what is best for the life I would like to live.  

For the majority of my life, I feel like it has been important for me to listen to many of the adults in my family on their ideas for being successful and happy. What I have found is that many of the expectations they set for myself and the younger generations in my family are unrealistic. It's like they create rules or ideas that they themselves have never followed. This very idea got me to thinking more about myself and how I can and should put my fears and anxieties out there and find my passion and pursue what makes me happy. 

I have censored myself a lot. For instance I am fearful of rejection from people to the point that I am only my true self with close friends and family. Don't get me wrong this is the reality for many people but my point in saying this is that I close many doors because I allow my fear of being rejected to outshine my confidence. It is hard to articulate this feeling of being aware of my flaw and knowing that a perfect world doesn't exist, but still trying to fit a mold. 

I know that I can't and won't please anyone all the time. It's impossible and in the end I am the one left disappointed. So my goal if even just for this week is to take 30 mins out of my day to reflect on what I want from this world. Too many times people mistake  the journey for self-growth as self-ish but what I must continue to remember is sometimes it's okay to be selfish if it's going to have a positive reaction to your life. 

This is just a peek of my innermost thoughts and feelings and for once I am not afraid to be real about myself. Everyone lacks confidence in something and the only way to overcome that is to be real and vulnerable about it. 

Thank you to everyone who continues to support me and read my posts. It's been a while since my last post but hopefully I won't stay away for too long. 

:-*

-Jessi Jo. 

My View on the World Today.

I am sad. 

Today I am sad because I have forced myself to face a very sad truth. Life isn't fair. It isn't fair for ANYONE! There are people sacrificing their lives both voluntarily and involuntarily every single day, hoping to leave a footprint in this world. It is sad and unreal that we all fixate on things that shouldn't matter. We follow trends both good and bad. This week I have followed two very different trends on social media. By followed I mean I have witnessed, observed, and participated in two very different things and I am sure many of you have too. 

The one trend I have seen is the ALS Icebucket challenge to raise awareness and funds for individuals battling Lou Gehrig's Disease/ ALS. The other trend I have seen is the events that have been taking place in Ferguson, Missouri. 

I am sad for both trends. Why? 

For one thing when did everyone become so judgemental? If someone wants to throw ice water on themselves, why is it a bad thing? Why can't we all come together and share the moment of raising awareness to something very real to many families all over the country? Maybe some people are in a financial rut but would like to provide support the best way they can. Why must everything people do be criticized. When I look on social media outlets and I see how many people have participated in this it reminds me that there are GOOD traits in everyone. We are NOT perfect but we are people and we should stand up for one another. Raising awareness about disabilities and life altering diseases is important. It is our job to become aware because there are people living with disabilities just trying to follow their dreams. We are all people with unique qualities and life patterns that are not always in our control. 

As for the events happening in Ferguson, Missouri I am sad. I can't explain it but I am just plain sad. Why is it that a young man was killed unarmed? Why are we repeating history over and over again? Why is it that people as a whole are not speaking out in outrage? This was a teenager who was killed! He was a person! Before we take away who this young man was by depreciating his value to just being on all news circuit headlines as "an unarmed black man" can we please remember this was a young person who had dreams just like the rest of us? I am hurt because my brothers and sisters are in a state of confusion, anger, frustration, loss and there has not been a solution. There are so many things wrong with this Mike Brown case and it doesn't stop here. I feel hurt because a mother has to bury her child instead of providing him with words of wisdom on how to navigate this life. There are so many questions and so many opinions and yet we still are waiting for a solution.  I am sad because I don't understand when and why the world became so hateful of people. Don't get me wrong I am well aware of many of the events in history that have happened and I know their are many references to wars in biblical contexts but what my point is, why is it okay that unarmed, people are threatened and killed by other people? When did we start teaching people that hatred to any type of person is okay? 

Who is in charge of this chaos?   

I do not have the answers to a lot of these questions listed in today's entry and I know many people don't. I am not one of the people who is silently protesting in the streets in Ferguson but I am a young woman who is outraged by it all. I know it is unrealistic to think that we should all band together and spread love to promote change, but what is happening in the world today is scary. People are experiencing horrible things every single day and I don't know what I can do to make it less horrible. 

I am sorry that some people will encounter a life full of obstacles because of the way they look, sound, or carry themselves. Everyday something wrong is happening in the world. My agenda is to advocate for those who can't adovocate for themselves; that may be someone who is living with a disability or a person who is living without a fair opportunity. Either way I vow to empower people no matter race, religion, creed, sex, age, socioeconomic, and or educational background, because no matter  what people believe;investing in one person can promote change. Maltreatment of any person for any reason cannot be our only option anymore. 

When life doesn't go as you planned

" Difficulties in your life do not come to destroy you, but to help you realize your hidden potential and power; let difficulties know that you too are difficult. "

- Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam

There comes a time in life where everything seems like it is going wrong. It feels like life is against you. It is at this time where you will stumble upon a moment of clarity. Only when your heart and mind are ready will you feel a sense of serenity. Everything will look messy and chaotic from the outside, but this is just a cover. Five months ago my chaos began and I could not understand it. Today I feel excited about the future and the new journey that awaits. The lesson I've learned is that time is not promised to anyone. Saving great times and adventures to a later date is prolonging a chapter that needs to end. 

It's okay to be scared. That's normal that's the feeling of stepping outside of your comfort zone. At least that's what I believe. Life is happening around us. We have a choice to let our yesterday affect or tomorrow but if we leave yesterday in the past we make so much room for the future. 

The one thing about life that is interesting is that as much as we all try to plan everything it is apparent to me that we have no control whatsoever. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying to live the day and don't plan anything, but think about it. How many times have you had an idea or plan for something and it didn't go how you pictured it in your head?

To be honest I can recall very few if any time that an event went exactly as I had envisioned. The thing about life is that it is fluid and ever changing and if we try to live a perfect life we will miss out on the beauty of everything. Life is like the ocean; never ending beauty. If you try to box in the ocean it's just a pool. Limited. Life is beautiful and if you sit and actually think about the things that are important for yourself it isn't that complicated. 

Be nice to people. Smile often. Hug one another. Do something stupid. Live outside the box. You never know when you are going to take your last breath so go on adventures and live for the little moments. 

Everyday I google quotes to inspire myself. Yet everyday I still have no idea what I want out of my life. I haven't invested in my own dreams and that's a scary place to be. I have no idea what type of legacy I want to leave behind but that is okay.  This year I have lived through a lot if different events reminding me about life's values. I don't want to spend my life complaining and wishing I could be somewhere else doing something different. It is so easy to get distracted. I think the key to getting back on track when your life is derailed is simple. Take it one day at a time. It is so easy to be stressed and confused and misguided. However it is important to remember to live for yourself while spreading love to others. 

Right now my plan is not having a set plan and really thinking about short term goals. It may take me a while to figure them out but all I can do is live in the present and be grateful for each day. Something I tend to take for granted. 

It's been quite some time since my last post. However this journey continues to be therapeutic. This blog started off about my limitations but I plan to focus on what's happening in the present and my goals and dreams for the near future. 

Until next time,

Jessi Jo 

Live In The Moment

"Live for each moment, Today well lived makes every yesterday a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope." -Kalidasa 

Last week, after a fairly harmless work day and a wonderful dinner at my mentor's house I spoke to one of my close friends. The one thing she said to me that has replayed in my mind  ever since our convo was a very simple phrase that I'm sure you have all heard. "Live in the moment. " my first reaction to that statement was but....and whatever excuse I had in my mind and then it hit me. She was right. I have been living in "what if" and "when I" land and not in the moment. 

In the past 4 weeks a lot has changed for me. I went from stressing about the function of my hand to going back to work and embracing the importance of health and taking care of myself. At 26 years old my life has faced many challenges and I am sure that there is in fact a lesson to be learned. I can say with great confidence that I have NOT been living in the moment...but enough about me. How is it that many of us focus so much on the future that we forget about the right now?

So, after really thinking about how I can live in the moment a few things popped in my head. 

1. Bills are always going to be there:

I can plan to pay off my student loans in 6 years but once that's done I'll need a loan for a car or maybe even a house. 

2. You never know the battles people are living with:

If I think about all of the events I've lived through in the past 6 months with the support of people all over. I could not imagine saying something mean and/ or degrading to someone else. 

3. Travel if you can, while you can 

Life is ever changing and anything can happen. 

4. Try to laugh when you feel like crying

 Life can be stressful be sure you have someone in your life who can make your bad days tolerable 

5. Turn off your phone and take in people. Look into someone's eyes when they speak to you. Create memories that you can replay in your head instead of on your tablet or phone.  

Life is so short. There are so many things that go on in our lives that we can barely remember how we got through. Before you know it time will fly by. Life is full of beautiful lessons. It's time to put down the things that eat up or time and love and nurture one another. Live in the moment. Breathe in fresh air. Enjoy a nice meal with a friend. Whatever you do just DON'T LIVE IN REGRET! Live the life you've dreamed of and most importantly stay positive. When life throws a curveball at you don't dwell on what you should have done in the past. Redirect yourself, you'll get through this temporary road block. Just keep pushing. 

Thanks for the continued encouragement family and friends :-)

Don't give up on YOU

Preface:

"You will face many defeats in your life, but never let yourself be defeated."

This quote is perfect for many reasons. So many of us face life with many challenges and feel defeated and that's okay, just as long you understand that one loss should not leave you defeated.

Thank you Dr. Maya Angelou  for inspiring  many generations of people and reminding us that we are all valuable. 

Everyday we are all faced with challenges. How is today going to be? What am I going to wear? How will work be today? What will I eat? Will I make it today? How can I be a better me? These are just a few questions that cross my mind. 

Every single day I face the challenge of living in fear vs. living in hope. The world we live in today is not the same as it was 50 years ago. Heck it's not the same way it was 5 years ago. Or maybe it is. Maybe the world isn't changing maybe it's our attitudes. Our perspectives. Maybe it's our reactions that have made the world the way it is. 

I see a lot of pain, I see a lot of regret, I see a lot of fear, and I see a lot of hurt. I see all these things in the area that I work in (geriatrics) but I also see these things in my own life. It is a scary thought to be in a place where you don't know your purpose or better yet you don't understand it. In a world where we are slowly approaching seclusion I am learning that all that we as human beings yearn for is love and acceptance. The only thing that makes us all different is our approach. 

This year I have learned a lot about myself and my perception of the world. It is so easy to judge someone else's actions while praising your own. It is so simple to identify with societal norms and be apart of a pact. It is even easier to compare yourselves with other people. But why? 

Why is it so easy to judge someone but difficult to compliment them? Why is it so simple to talk but hard to listen? Why is it so easy to come up with excuses but difficult to fight against the grain and stand for something? Have we forgotten how to be compassionate? Or are we compassionate when it affects or personal life or when someone dies? 

Have you ever  been told that you're not good enough or you're not smart enough for that? Maybe you've been told you're not tall enough or skinny enough. You might have been told you won't make it or you'll never become CEO. Maybe you've been told you're too stupid or you're too mean. Maybe you're too masculine or too feminine. Have you been told you'll never pass that class? Or you'll never get that job? 

When did we become so bitter? When did we forget to share love and encouragement? Have we forgotten the power of hope?

One person may have told you some hurtful things in your life and you believed them. Maybe at the point in your life they were right, but what if they weren't right about you? People are ever changing and if you're not changing you know how the saying goes..."you're not growing. " Never give up on you! You can lose hope you can lose your dignity but don't ever give up on yourself. Nothing lasts forever.  Whoever told you that you weren't good enough or that you couldn't make it lied. They LIED! 

If you wake up each morning you are making it. If you are able to see the world you are making it. Don't let your current circumstance be your death sentence. Everytime we fall down there is a chance to get back up. You may not always be able to do it alone,but maybe that's a good thing. 

I am going to talk about myself for a moment. For those of you who do not know me I either appear to be a totally friendly person or I am unapproachable. I have been told by many family members that my facial expressions can make me appear disinterested. It's something I am working on. Anyway to get back on topic. I am a very self-conscetious person. Every time I say something or I start a new task I perseverate over it. Many times I envision something negative. Some call it being pessimistic I call it being a realist. Anyway, either way every time I'm negative I am killing an opportunity to help make this world a better place. If every person worked towards being nice and approachable and loving maybe we could help those who have little love and a lot of hate. 

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I couldn't have made it through this journey without family, friends, and this blog. This blog is here for a reason. My life changed 10 weeks ago. My perspective about the world changed since then too. I fell down physically finally catching up with my emotional journey. My foundation was shaken and my soul was awakened. There is so much in life to be angry about but nothing should take your hope and love away.  I was angry about a lot of things in my life. I was living in fear. I was trying to please everybody. I was anxious and afraid. More than any of that, I was loved; I was encouraged; I was uplifted, and most importantly I was given a second chance. 

I am learning that life is an unpredictable journey. When you realize that you are an important piece of life's scattered puzzle maybe then you'll understand the importance of YOU. Even when it seems like life is throwing you under the bus don't give up. The fight you are fighting is not yours alone. It's normal to want to throw in the towel and escape to a fantasy world but then you'll miss the bigger picture. When everything seems like it is falling apart and you're feeling unworthy;remind yourself that your life has purpose. It is up to YOU to give into the  journey called life and find that purpose. 

If you liked what you've read share it. Share it amongst friends or family. Maybe even put your own spin on this weeks post. If I have been lucky enough to inspire you please do your part and inspire someone else. You never know when you may encounter someone on the verge of giving up. 

Thank you for the continued love and support and for allowing me to share my personal thoughts. When I began this journey I just thought I was an occupational therapist going on a journey to recovery. I never thought that I would learn about my life's journey; this is just the beginning.