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Self-Censored
In my humble opinion self-censored can be defined as self-limiting behavior; not allowing one to be his/her natural self due to unrealistic beliefs of following life's rules therefore believing that suppressing elements of oneself could potentially tarnish one's image.
The word censor is psycho-analytically defined as an aspect of the superego that is said to prevent certain ideas and memories from emerging into consciousness. It is primarily defined as material that is analyzed and any parts that are obscene or unacceptable are removed (New Oxford American Dictionary).
On a more personal level, I have always been a rule follower. I can reflect back to grade school when I was in class I would be all about my school work and very much abided by the rules. My only issue in classes would be my eagerness to talk to friends in class which would get me in trouble. I always hated getting reprimanded or called out for bad behavior. I would take it to heart and dwell on how I could have been better. The funny thing is that at 26 years old I still find myself very much aware of following a mold or being viewed as a good person who follows the rules. It's to the point where at my job my work family can tell you that I am all about following the rules (a majority of the time). It wasn't until this past year in my life and at work that I began to notice that rules were meant to be challenged and sometimes changed.
I chose this topic after watching several interviews of creative artists and celebrities. One common factor that I found in their interviews was that their passion outweighed the critics and what other people thought about them. Which led me to thinking about myself. The reason why I titled this post self-censored is because I realized that I have participated in my own self-censorship to please everyone but myself. Don't get me wrong I do things that I enjoy but at the same time I don't want anything to damage how I am perceived by others and myself alike . Thus leading to my unrealistic expectation of being liked by everyone I meet. I am learning that I can't please everyone, so it is time for me to focus on me and what is best for the life I would like to live.
For the majority of my life, I feel like it has been important for me to listen to many of the adults in my family on their ideas for being successful and happy. What I have found is that many of the expectations they set for myself and the younger generations in my family are unrealistic. It's like they create rules or ideas that they themselves have never followed. This very idea got me to thinking more about myself and how I can and should put my fears and anxieties out there and find my passion and pursue what makes me happy.
I have censored myself a lot. For instance I am fearful of rejection from people to the point that I am only my true self with close friends and family. Don't get me wrong this is the reality for many people but my point in saying this is that I close many doors because I allow my fear of being rejected to outshine my confidence. It is hard to articulate this feeling of being aware of my flaw and knowing that a perfect world doesn't exist, but still trying to fit a mold.
I know that I can't and won't please anyone all the time. It's impossible and in the end I am the one left disappointed. So my goal if even just for this week is to take 30 mins out of my day to reflect on what I want from this world. Too many times people mistake the journey for self-growth as self-ish but what I must continue to remember is sometimes it's okay to be selfish if it's going to have a positive reaction to your life.
This is just a peek of my innermost thoughts and feelings and for once I am not afraid to be real about myself. Everyone lacks confidence in something and the only way to overcome that is to be real and vulnerable about it.
Thank you to everyone who continues to support me and read my posts. It's been a while since my last post but hopefully I won't stay away for too long.
:-*
-Jessi Jo.
